A Mother's Heart

Delight!

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 04:36:00 +0000

What a delight tonight when, just on a whim, I googled the name of a dear friend from high school, Joanne Mehl. It has been 30 years since we have graduated and probably nearly that since we last had contact. Her name immediately popped up as a very distinguished artist. What a joy to find that she's doing just what she always loved to do--painting beautiful pictures of horses. And, whoa, I can say that I hold a Joanne Mehl original from her junior high years--a watercolor illustration of one of Cat Stevens' songs.

What fun to find an old friend who has persevered in a tough field and done well!

Jenifer

Hope Realized

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Sat, 10 May 2008 18:01:00 +0000

I realized last night that it has been a full year since Ben's cancer was diagnosed. We went to Rosario Beach last year for Mother's Day, and (I think) Ben started chemo the next day. What a year! But this morning, as Ben came to pick up Beth to go to a comic book convention (don't ask...), I noticed Ben's hair is starting to curl again! I can't really explain how excited that makes me. Chemo left it stick-straight. That wasn't my son's hair. Hope realized is seeing Ben return to normal.

I was reminded last night by a friend that God has never lied. God spoke to me, nearly a year ago, telling me that Ben was going to go through a horrendous trial, but that He would heal him. I needed to be reminded of the fact that God does speak and that He never lies, as I've been living lately with the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Praise God for His faithfulness throughout this year! He is good, all the time.

Jenifer

Empty Canvas

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 16:17:00 +0000

One evening, recently, I was thinking about the "why" of suffering and pain. Yes, we are human. Sin, that is in our genes, brings it about. But what could be one reason (only one, mind you), that God allows us to go through pain? What came to mind is that we are in His gallery of His grace. We are each a masterpiece that God is creating so that the world around us may see His glory.

It has been years since I have thought of this song, but it's been on my heart lately:

An empty canvas waits before the Painter

It waits to be the painting it must be

Unto this end it has rightfully been created

To reflect the rightful beauty the Painter sees

A beauty that will surely find its life within its dying

So another might be born again

And in this constant death a constant beauty is created

Within a constant love that never ends

Jesus is the Master Painter

And the Holy Spirit is the Master’s Brush

To be dipped within the colors

That portray a Father’s love

That the Master’s painting might be born of us

To portray the beauty of the Master’s Brush

That the canvas of our life might know the Master’s touch

An empty canvas waits before the Painter

An empty canvas destined to be hung

Within the gallery once it has been created

Will the canvas bear the beauty of God’s Son?

"The Painter" by John Michael & Terry Talbot

May each of us reflect the beauty of the Master's artistry.

Love,

Jenifer

Snowy Sunday Morning

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Sun, 09 Dec 2007 20:36:00 +0000

As the snow flakes fell this morning, I talked with the Lord about many things. One that is deeply touching is to see how the Lord has knit Ben and Lisa together through this year. Don't misunderstand me--they've always had a strong relationship--but this year has added a beautiful depth. It reminds me of that verse about a cord of three strands not being easily broken. The Lord has braided them together with Himself, and it's a strong bond. It will be interesting to see how He has chosen to use this rope!

As Paul's school quarter nears an end, he's putting his finishing touches on a persuasive essay, "Cancer is Good." I wanted to waffle a little and thought he should title it, "Cancer Can Be Good," but he didn't feel that was what he wanted to say. The essay is a strong argument for what cancer does to people's relationships and how God uses it in our lives. I pray that the students who have read it for peer review would stop and think about their relationship with the God of the universe.

Busy, busy week ahead for me and my choir-mates at Cedar Park Church. We perform the musical Star next Friday, Saturday, and Sunday (8 pm, 7 pm, and 6 pm, respectively). But the busy-ness is worth it. It's so much fun to be singing music again that impacts the soul. By the way, the shows are free and no tickets are required! Everyone is welcome to come!!

By the way, praise to our God for bringing Ben through his surgery so well!!! Although he tires easily, he's only two weeks out of major surgery!!! The best way to describe what the doctor did is scour all of Ben's abdominal cavity and organs of pesky tumors (some grapefruit sized; others the size of a pin head!). Ben has an appointment with the radiologist this Thursday to learn about the next step (radiation), but our guess is that won't start until after the first of the year.

Time to get back to decorating our Christmas Tree!

Jenifer

Saturday Morning

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 17:39:00 +0000

Paul and I went to see Ben yesterday afternoon. I was amazed at the change from when I saw him on Wednesday night. He was very attentive and anxious to do the exercises the occupational therapist gave him. He walked double the distance that he had the day before, which wasn't far, but huge for him. I can see a drive in him to move on so he can get out of the hospital.

He still is on a liquid diet (as of yesterday) which means mostly broth. The "full liquid" diet that comes after clear liquids may be slightly challenging due to his lactose intolerance (I know I couldn't eat much that was on the list).

Ben continues to receive pain meds through his epidural. When that goes, so will the catheter from his bladder, which means more freedom! Progress seems to be coming steadily now.

When Ben was about 2, he could see train tracks in everything. If there were 2 parallel lines, or lines with something along the side that looked like cross pieces, they were train tracks. We'd go out to Cherry Valley, where my parents lived, and wait along the road until the trains came by. It was Ben's delight. Now he has "train tracks" running down his belly! The staples that are holding him together at this point are slated to come out on Thursday or so.

Thanks for your prayers for our family. We have our ups and downs. Seeing Ben's improvement was definitely a plus for me!

Jenifer

The Conversation

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 18:14:00 +0000

Sometimes we're not aware we're making demands of God until He allows that to be revealed. I truly believe that the Lord has given me promises through his Word that He will heal Ben. However, some expectation of timing had crept in, unknown to me.

Last night I, more or less, hit the wall. I hadn't been prepared for the fact that Ben's cancer could be a huge amount of tumors, instead of just 4. I was feeling hurt by God--disappointed by the reality of the revelation. I sat on the floor of my bathroom and cried the words (more or less) that both Martha and Mary cried to Jesus when He showed up 3 days after Lazarus' funeral, "Lord, if You would have been here, my son wouldn't still be going through this."

This morning I knew that I'd gotten my eyes onto the cancer instead of on God. I read through the story of Moses sending the 12 spies into the Promised Land, and how those spies saw themselves as grasshoppers in the eyes of the giants living in the land (Num. 13). They were terrified by what they saw, and completely abandoned the God who had promised them the land. Then I read about David and Goliath. The odds were really, really against the Israelites, you know. They were terrified of the Philistines, and, from a human standpoint, there was complete reason to be! But, again, they weren't looking at the promise that God had given to be with them and give them the land.

So, this morning, this was the conversation:

"When I told you I would heal Ben, were all the tumors in his body?"
"Yes, Lord."
"Then how has My promise changed because you now know about those tumors?"
"It hasn't."

Several years ago, God revealed Himself to me as "The God Who Sees Around the Corner." Nothing about Ben's disease is a surprise to Him. Nothing.

Thank you for your prayers. And pray for Ben. When he's feeling a little better, he'll have to work through the knowledge that the road may be longer than he hoped/anticipated. (His personality is similar to mine.)

Thank you,

Jenifer

The Deeper Seam of His Peace

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 00:07:00 +0000

"God has invited you all into a deeper seam of His peace; though it is an invitation no one desires, it is somehow a privilege to be drawn near to the compassion of God Who knows suffering so well."

Man, I love the above quote. It was written to us by our dear friend, Bob Rasmussen, on May 3rd, the day before Ben had his biopsy done. It's been nearly 6 months now. It is amazing that it has only been that long, yet it seems like a lifetime ago. I was a different person 6 months ago. Things that seemed so important then are as nothing now.

My Lord suffered. Who am I to think I should live a painless life? I know, though, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my God will never leave me, no matter what the road ahead. Several years ago He revealed Himself to me as "The God Who Sees Around the Corner"--what is ahead is NO surprise to Him. In that is complete rest for my soul.

Ben meets with the surgeon on Tuesday. Thank you for your prayers for our family.

Love,
Jenifer

Waiting

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Sat, 20 Oct 2007 16:20:00 +0000

This weekend we continue on the "project" the Lord brought to light last May. That project is called "waiting." I keep thinking about the verse,"My soul waits for the Lord more than the watchmen for the morning; indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning." (Ps. 130:6) Why do the watchmen wait for the morning? Well, my culture says to get off work, which might be the case, but I don't think that's the answer. The watchmen waits for the morning because it's dark and the enemy is out there. Every part of the watchman's being has to be completely attentive to his post, or he, his family, his city could suffer. The enemy stays in the shadows, trying to be unseen, for a stealthy attack.

So, I wait. I wasn't raised to put much emphasis on the enemy. Often, I seriously don't think I give enough credence to the threat that he is. How good is a watchman who doesn't believe there is an enemy beyond the camp? Yes, my God is far and away greater. But the Bible does talk of wearing the armor of God, and of being on the alert because the devil stalks about like a roaring lion seeking who he may devour. Resistance, on both accounts takes faith.

So, pray the Morrell and Massingill families will stand firm in our faith as we wait for the Lord.

"I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait,
And in His word do I hope."

He's given us LOTS to hope for in His word (see my September 27, 2007 post)!

Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side...

Jenifer

A Good Day and Something New

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Sat, 06 Oct 2007 05:49:00 +0000

What a nice day we had today! Paul and I went down to Federal Way to help our dear friends Bob & Lyn Rasmussen move into their house. It's wonderful to have them SO close now. (45 minutes away beats Blaine, WA or Turlock, CA any day!!!) Bob & Lyn have been such strong support for us during Ben's cancer. Lyn is a bone marrow transplant survivor, so they understand cancer and all the ramifications so very well.

After we got home, Ben and Lisa came by for a while. It's been a week or so since we've seen them, so that was nice. Ben's taste buds are quite whacked out (meat tastes like it is rotten to him right now), but beyond that he seems to doing quite well. We are very grateful for that! They are an amazing couple.

I'm singing with Cedar Park's choir now. At first I felt guilty for wanting to go, as if the Lord would have said to me, "Fine, you can go, but I'm not happy about it." But after sitting down and asking, "Lord, is it really okay with you? I don't want to be part of this if it's not," I sense that my being there is a calling: "This is where I want you to go. Daniel (choir director) is going to have a tough year and he will need your prayer support." That's very freeing. I am the new kid on the block, though, in this choir. I need to be bold in reaching out and being friendly, which is always challenging for me when it comes to meeting new people. Lord, give me your grace.

Being part of the CP Choir, I'll get to be part of the first production of Generations next spring. That is thrilling. Generations is a musical theater work that Daniel Perrin has been working on for several years. Also one that I have been praying about for many of those years! It deals with 3 periods of time--Warsaw, 1942; Toledo, Spain, 1492; and Jerusalem at the time of Christ. The heart of Generations is to show Jewish people that God has always been with them through their suffering. He has always cared for them. He loves them with an everlasting love. May the Lord open the eyes of His people, as well as the eyes of non-Jews, to see His heart of compassion. May they see with new eyes the purpose of God in the Person of their Messiah.

Shalom,

Jenifer

Home Sick

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 15:35:00 +0000

Not homesick, mind you. Just home sick. It came on Saturday in the wee hours of the night as an annoying little sore throat that grew as the hours past. It left in the day yesterday, but came back last night, so I'm staying home from work today to keep this thing, Lord willing, from becoming large. (The air conditioners at work that labor hard to keep the men cool and the ladies freezing just wouldn't help me any!)

So, Chloe, Nikko, and I will all curl up today for a nap. (Ha! Our Labrador Retriever is terrified of Ben's Electus parrot!) Speaking of Nikko, he's a real kick! During the few months that he visited Manfred Seidler at church, he learned the charge whistle, which he will do when he's being ignored. I'm trying to teach him to say, "Chlooo-eeee." (The evil part in me coming out!) Mostly we hear the charge whistle, "step up" (when he wants out of his cage), "Nikko," and a strange, one-sided phone conversation, that consists mostly of "okay," but said in a deep voice. I'm not sure how long he'll be able to stay at our house--Paul feels Nikko's feathers bother his lungs--so he'll probably have to find a new home before long.

Thank you for your continued prayers for Ben's fevers to cease.

I think it's time for a nap!

Love,

Jenifer

Changes

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Sun, 30 Sep 2007 04:46:00 +0000

I've been blogging now for just over 4 months and I finally wrote something on my profile. 'Bout time, huh? I realized over 100 people had looked at it to no avail, so I decided I'd better get with it.

I wonder what God is doing in Paul and my lives right now. It's strange how we've come to this fall ready for new things. Paul is taking a couple of general education classes at BCC (man, better him than me!). I'm not sure what's going on in my life, though. The Lord seems to be leading me out of my comfort zone (which I usually don't have to go far to be out of!). It started last week when I got up the courage to go and talk with a dear friend's mom who I'd never met before. She has prayed faithfully for Ben through his cancer trial. Meeting someone sounds simple, right? Not for this shy girl. Then I went to sing with a choir the other night FULL of people I didn't know (save a couple). Today I attended a prayer breakfast in South Seattle (I'd known S. Seattle existed, but had been told it was pretty scary) with a room not only full of people I'd never met (not a one of them), but from completely different cultures than my own (except for the fact that we were all believers in the Lord Jesus Christ, which, of course, makes them all my brothers and sisters anyway!).

What intrigues me the most about these adventures in boldness, is that I've really, really enjoyed myself. It's like the Lord is giving me lessons in loving people and not being all wrapped up in myself. Man, I'd love to learn these lessons well!

Once again, it's bedtime. Oh, pray for Ben. His counts aren't responding very well. He received platelets and 2 units of blood today, which should help. He still is plagued with fevers, too.

Love,

Jenfier

A Wonderful Evening & My Verses

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 05:00:00 +0000

On Thursday evenings, Paul and I are part of a small Bible study group. Tonight, however, it didn't meet due to several of the ladies in the group being away at a quilting retreat. So, tonight I went to Cedar Park Church and sang with Daniel Perrin's choir there. What a lovely evening. It was refreshment to my soul, which it was in need of. What fun to sing back through the Star songs that we recorded so many years ago (13?)! During the recording sessions, when I wasn't singing, I sat in the studio and prayed while the recording was going on. It's so cool to see God's hand still on the work we did there.

So, thank You, Lord, for a night that was a gift from Your hand.

Love,

Jenifer

(...a bit later...) I just went back and read through my previous posts. In one of them I said I would write out the verses God has given me since Ben was diagnosed. I think now is a good time. This will be long, but it's an exercise I need to do. Most of them have the date given to me. They are in chronological order (earliest to latest).

"See now that I, I am He,
And there is no god besides Me;
It is I who put to death and give life.
I have wounded and it is I who heal,
And there is no one who can deliver from My hand." (Deut. 32:39)

May 14
"The Lord is the One who goes before you;
He will be with you.
He will not fail you or forsake you.
Do not fear or be dismayed." (Deut. 31:8)

May 15
"Of Benjamin he said,
'May the beloved of the Lord dwell in security by Him,
Who shields him all the day,
And he dwells between His shoulders.'" (Deut. 33:12)

May 17
"The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace,
Because he trusts in You." (Is. 26:3)

May 17
"I will not die, but live,
And tell of the works of the Lord.
The Lord has disciplined me severely,
But He has not given me over to death." (Ps. 118:17, 18--This is THE verse that I believe the Lord has given me specifically for Ben.)

May 21
"Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh; is anything too difficult for Me?" (Jer. 32:27)
"For thus says the Lord, "Just as I brought all this great disaster on this people, so I am going to bring on them all the good that I am promising them." (Jer. 32:42)
"Ah Lord God! Behold You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! Nothing is too difficult for You." (Jer. 32:17)

May 22
"Trust in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us." (Ps. 62:8)

May 24
" He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake." (Ps. 23:3)

May 26
"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are Mine!
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you." (Is. 43:1b-2, emphasis mine)

June 4
"I sought the Lord, and He answered me,
And delivered me from all my fears.
They looked to Him and were radiant,
And their faces will never be ashamed.
This poor (afflicted) man cried, and the Lord heard him
And saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him,
And rescues them." (Ps. 34:4-7)

June 14
"Behold, all those who are angered at you will be shamed and dishonored;
Those who contend with you will be as nothing and will perish.
You will seek those who quarrel with you, but will not find them,
Those who war with you will be as nothing and non-existent.
For I am the Lord your God, who upholds your right hand,
Who says to you, 'Do not fear, I will help you.'" (Is. 41:11-13)

June 26
"Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting." (Ps. 126:5)
"The Lord has done great things for us;
We are glad." (Ps. 126:3--this came the day of Ben's first CT scan results after 3 rounds of chemo)

July 13
"...And you shall commit to Me the work of My hands." (Is. 45:11b--emphasis mine--the Lord's way of telling me to stop reading about DSRCT cancer on the internet!)

July 14
"O Lord, You are my God;
I will exalt You, I will give thanks to Your name;
For You have worked wonders,
Plans formed long ago, with perfect faithfulness." (Is. 25:1)

July 16
Listen to Me, Jenifer,
You have been borne by Me from birth
And have been carried from the womb;
Even to your old age I am the same,
And even to your graying years I will bear you!
I have made you, and I will carry you,
And I will bear you and I will deliver you." (Is 46:3,4--name change mine, obviously...)

July 19
"Those who hopefully wait for Me will not be put to shame." (Is 49:23)

July 23
"Surely our sickness He Himself bore,
And our pains He carried." (Is. 53:4a,3ish--emphasis mine)

July 24
"For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
The Lord give grace and glory;
No good thing does He withhold from those who walk with integrity." (Ps. 84:11)

August 3 (my birthday!)
"More than the sounds of many waters,
Than the mighty breakers of the sea,
The Lord on high is mighty." (Ps 93:4--the mighty breakers=hardships in life)

August 8
"Blessed be the Lord,
Because He has heard the voice of my supplication.
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped
And with my song I shall thank Him." (Ps. 28:6,7)

September 6
"More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death." (Phil. 3:8-10--emphasis mine)

September 18
"On the day I called, You answered me."
"Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
You will revive me." (side note says, "Keep me alive)
"The Lord will accomplish what concerns me." (All from Ps. 138)

There ya go. God is good!

Some things just make you smile...

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Sat, 15 Sep 2007 17:07:00 +0000

Beth, our nearly 21-year-old daughter (boy, it's really weird to say I have a daughter nearly 21), is heading off to Western Washington University for the first time this fall. As she prepares for living in her first on-campus apartment (she'd had enough of dorm life at TWU), there have been some things that she's just HAD to have. A couple of them really make me smile.

When Paul and I were married nearly 28 years ago, one of our wedding gifts was a set of 4 Corningware mixing bowls. They were the color of the time--earthtones. I still have those bowls and use them daily. Beth saw them (get this!) in an antique store. She was amazed how expensive they were even to this day, but found a set for $25 and snatched them up. (I never would have thought that Corningware mixing bowls would appreciate in price!) Beth felt she needed those bowls to make her living situation complete. That makes me smile--happy memories of her childhood.

The other necessity was another bowl. For years, although not as many as the afore mentioned bowls, I've had a stainless steel bowl that is really the top part of a double boiler. This bowl has had 2 major uses in the Morrell household--making biscuits and being a sick bowl (although not at the same time, mind you). There were times when it disappeared for a few weeks when one of the kids had felt nauseated and took it to his room (read Ben), only for me to find it later hiding behind a bed, etc. This bowl, too, made it onto the Beth Morrell-must-have list. (After all, what is she going to throw up in?) It was acquired at an estate sale.

Seeing my last child off to her Junior year of college is bittersweet. It is time for the little birdy to fly from the nest, but has been wonderful to have her home this summer. She worked HARD as a receptionist at Microsoft and earned a good wage. She gained an open invitation to return whenever she was in town. She has grown into a wonderful young woman.

I am so thrilled with what the Lord is doing in all of my children's lives. He's shown Himself so faithful to Ben and Lisa as they deal with Ben's cancer. He's provided a wonderful teaching job for Adam in Tacoma, and a great place for he and Sheli to live in Gig Harbor (very close to Sheli's teaching job!). He is faithfully leading Beth to WWU, going before her as she lives with 3 girls she's never met, all probably international students.

And so, Paul and I once again come to empty nesting. What's next? Well, something new is on the horizon. Paul may be starting school with the goal of acheiving his bachelor's degree. Is 48 too late? I don't think so. Will it be hard work, requiring a lot of motivation? You bet! (Along with still running a small business!) Please pray for us during these days ahead--it will take more than 4 years for him to see his goal through. I'm excited, but know we'll need a ton to God's grace and mercy!

Much love,
Jenifer

Downs and Ups

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Mon, 03 Sep 2007 02:26:00 +0000

As I was in loading the dishwasher, random thoughts of blogging were going through my head. It's been a while since I've even felt like writing. I guess I better strike while the iron is hot.

I hit the wall the other day (2 days, actually). I've realized since then how very much I didn't want anyone to know that. However, I desperately wanted someone who knew me very well to call during that time and say something like, "The Lord laid you on my heart, so I just thought I'd call and see how you are." But no. The funny thing is that I've found I crash, emotionally, when things are going well with Ben and there is really no reason to splatter. It doesn't make any sense, but that's what I do. Anyway, what really lifted me out of my dark hole was spending time with Ben. He was so full of life and hope that afternoon while we shopped for Lisa's birthday party stuff. We talked about where he and Lisa could buy a house someday and what he wanted to do when he went back to work full-time. It was a wonderfully uplifting time for me and I am grateful to the Lord for it.

I've been thinking a lot about gratitude lately (well, maybe not on those days mentioned above). I think it's easiest to see the lack of it in the ones closest to us. It's hardest to see the lack of it in ourselves! I do have so much to be grateful for! I remember Owen Hollingsworth telling me once that he told a man to go home and do nothing in prayer but thank the Lord for a week (or maybe it was a month). The man came back a changed individual. Ingratitude always reminds me of the dwarves toward the end of the C.S. Lewis book The Last Battle. They'd been cast into a small stable to be supposedly eaten by Tash, the evil god. It's a long story, but it turned out that they are really in Narnian heaven, which was incredibly beautiful, but they wouldn't look around to see where they were. They continued to sit in a huddle and grumble and complain. Now granted, we are not yet in heaven with the Lord Jesus, but we are so extremely blessed. We just need to look around sometimes...

Things to be thankful for this week:

Adam starts his teaching job in Tacoma, only 15 miles from where his new wife, Sheli, also starts her new teaching job. Yay! No long commutes!!

Ben continues to go through recovery from chemo 5 pretty well. No hospitalization! No infection! Paul and I plan to go over to Whidbey Island with Ben and Lisa Thursday through Saturday.

I choose to be thankful in advance for what the Lord is going to do in Beth's life at WWU. For the roommate He will provide for her, and for the building of dependence on Him that He is doing in her life.

Always, always, always for Paul who loves me and puts up with my weird emotions.

And, of course, for my God who has provided me with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Messiah Jesus.

Jenifer

Round 4

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 03:48:00 +0000

Tomorrow may begin chemo round 4 for Ben. He has to go in to have his blood checked in the morning to see how his platelets are doing. If the number is 75 or above, they'll start chemo. If not, he'll have to wait. How very, very bizarre it feels to pray that my son is well enough so that the doctors can poison him yet another time. This doesn't feel like what mothers are supposed to do. I understand the whole thing, but it just feels strange.

Paul and I feel ourselves longing for "normal." I first sensed it when I went back to work last week. It's like we want to shake ourselves and get back to life as we used to know it. However, that life isn't there anymore, and probably never will be. Actually, it'd be a heinously bad thing to go back--if we didn't learn and grow through all of this. To not be changed by the testing that the Lord has allowed would be such a waste.

Pray for platelets!

Jenifer

Blood

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Fri, 20 Jul 2007 23:54:00 +0000

You know, I've always heard the line, "Give the gift of life, give blood." However, until you have a loved one who seriously needs blood or platelets, it's not too real. I am planning to start doing this, though. There's really no reason not to! I'm healthy as a horse (a healthy horse, that is...), and have plenty of the red stuff (or amber stuff, if we're talking platelets).

I also think I'll get whatever test is necessary to be put into a registry to be a bone marrow donor. I know 3 people now who have required a bone marrow transplant. If I could give to keep someone else alive it would be a wonderful thing (although they might end up with my allergies). I'll have to look into how to get tested for that. I understand the test is just a swab of the inside of your mouth...the giving, though, is harder, but, hey, it's someone's life!!

Jenifer

A Smattering of Life

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Fri, 20 Jul 2007 05:53:00 +0000

Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted. Adam and Sheli's wedding came and went, as did our company. I've laughed about this being the week I'd come home from work (my first back after 2 weeks of "vacation") and stare at the wall. It really wasn't too far from the truth....

The wedding went well. It was done Adam and Sheli style, as it should have been--easy going and informal. The best part, in my mind, was hearing the pastor read the letters that Adam and Sheli wrote to each other. They were very special. He told me later that Adam and Sheli won't remember a thing he said, but they'll remember what they said to each other in those letters. That's very cool.

Ben was not able to make the wedding. His white blood cells had fallen the day before, so he was in Virginia Mason Hospital. However, due to the great kindness of Shon & Claire Katzenberger and Gary & Deborah Ferguson, Ben was able to watch the ceremony on a webcam. God is good. Lisa did come over, though. It was wonderful to have her there!

While the newlyweds went off to play in the Bahamas, my mom, sister and I went to the Olympic Peninsula. We picked what will, undoubtedly, be the hottest days of the year. That turned out okay, though, because it was slightly cooler over there. The most amazing part of our adventure was going up to Hurricane Ridge. It is absolutely breathtaking! The Lord blessed us with a wonderful day, too, that wasn't windy (a rarity on the ridge). It felt like we could reach out and touch the Olympics in front of us. Amazing.

Paul's brothers arrived from California the day or so after I got home. They make a yearly trip (pilgrimage?) up to the San Juan Islands. Paul and Chloe took off this week to go with them. I've joked about us taking separate vacations this year. I think I'm joking... (I am) Really, we do need a weekend away together soon (but Chloe can stay home with her girl-mommy...).

As you know if you read Ben's blog, his chemo was postponed this week due a low platelet count. I have struggled with that some. It's a matter of trusting that God will not fail or forsake us. A dear friend pointed out that learning not to fear, but to trust God, is not a get-it-right-once-and-it's-over procedure. It's a lifelong learning process. I believe I've been thinking that I'll come to a point when I have it down pat. That would be lovely, but probably not reality. One step at a time; one day at a time.

Beth has only 2 more months of being home before going off to WWU this fall. I will really miss her. She's grown into an amazingly wonderful young woman. She's far more mature than I was at her age. (Scary thing--I was married when I was her age...very scary. When I was Adam's age I nearly had 2 children...scarier yet!)

Someone asked me this week how we are doing. Although I really don't think we've even had the time to think about it, I can truly say that we are held by the grace of God. When I start to list out the things that have gone on in the past 2 months, I nearly start hyperventilating. It's far worse on paper than living through it, but that's only because it is the Lord who goes before us. He is our help and our deliverance. Sometime I may write out on this blog all the promises He's given me in the past 2 months. They really are amazing and words I go back to over and over again for comfort and strength.

Please pray for an increased platelet count for Ben. It is my prayer that this next chemo (new meds he's never had before) will provide optimum results with minimum side effects. Thank you so much for your prayers.

Love,

Jenifer

Four Days Before the Wedding

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Wed, 04 Jul 2007 04:45:00 +0000

Well, here we are in the week of the wedding. My sister, Margaret, has been here for a week, and my mom arrives tomorrow. Paul, my mom, Beth and I will drive out to Ellensburg on Thursday; Margaret and her daughter, Lauren, on Friday.

It's been wonderful to have Margaret around for the last week. She's really good at being organized and getting things done--neither of which I'm very capable of doing right now.

We are in a waiting game to see how Ben will do during this recovery time. He finished his 3rd chemo on Saturday evening. Prayers would be appreciated that his white blood cells would not flat line, and that he doesn't get thrush. (Thrush keeps Ben from eating.)

Ben has 4 more rounds of chemo left. The next 2 will be with 2 drugs that he's never had before, then the one after that will be back to the drugs he's had during the first 3. The last will be with the same drugs as rounds 4 & 5. Confused yet? I guess they mix it up so that the body doesn't get used to one set of drugs and they become ineffective. Noooo ineffective drugs, please!!! At this point, after the chemo rounds are done, then comes surgery to remove whatever is left of the tumors, then radiation.

Please also pray for the protection of Ben's vital organs in the midst of all this chemo and antibiotics. Harsh stuff.

I'd also appreciate prayer for our sanity in the next few days. Tensions are running pretty high....

Thank you!

Jenifer

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Sun, 24 Jun 2007 04:13:00 +0000

Paul and I ended up not going to Whidbey with Ben and Lisa because I was exposed to a virus on Wednesday. My throat was feeling scratchy on Thursday. It was probably allergies, but not worth the risk of infecting Ben right before a very important week. It was a hard decision, but thought it was the right thing to do (although not the fun one!).

On a happier note, though, we booked a place today to stay during the days around Adam's wedding. It's a vacation home and looks like a restful place. Here's the link: http://www.cascades-vacation-rental.com/Welcome.html. My mom, Beth, Paul and I will stay there. Lisa said she'd like to come over on Friday, but I would suppose that will depend on Ben's health. I know Ben desires to be there too. Please pray that the Lord would allow that, if that's the best.

My sister, Margaret, arrives tomorrow evening. That means Chloe will have a friend around more often! "Yay!" says Chloe, "Someone who will understand that Labs truly are starving animals and will give me more calories than my mommy and daddy do!!!" (Hmmmm.....no fat Labs.....)

As noted above, this is an important week for Ben. As of right now, Monday he has his first CT scan since they found the tumors. When they did the other one, he had to drink a huge amount of stuff that he later found out was milk based. Not good, since he's lactose intolerant. He knows now that he can have it mixed w/ root beer instead. (Man, that's a lot of sugar!) Then they inject something radio active. His telling of the first time around is actually pretty humerous (in a twisted Morrell sort of way...). On Tuesday he has an appointment with his oncologist, presumably to get the test results. (Pray, pray, pray!) As things stand now, he'll start his 3rd round of chemo on Wednesday.

While taking a walk this evening, I was convicted by the Lord of not believing scripture He's shown me in regard to Ben. It is really easy to get caught up in what I can see. The verse many of us have been able to recite from memory since childhood is before me: "Trust in the Lord with all you heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." The crutch of my own understanding is kind of scary sometimes. God is faithful.

As always, thank you for your prayers for our family during this time. (BTW!--Only 2 weeks until Adam's wedding!)

Jenifer

Becoming Real

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 06:07:00 +0000

"Whom have I in heaven but You?
And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

In the last month or so, I'd say my heart has failed. I'd definitely say my flesh has failed. It is a time of pruning. At this moment, I can say I'm grateful to God that He cares enough about me to be pruning out the self-sufficiency, the self-centeredness, the pride (He's got a long way to go, though). I read a testimony from a young woman the other day in which she rejoiced that the Lord took her through a very dark time in her life, because of how much better she knows Him now. I look forward to getting to that point. I know I will get there to learn completely that "God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Good Night,

Jenifer

Yay!

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 03:47:00 +0000

Ben's back home and his white count is on the rise. Yay! We're grateful to the Lord for this!

We've had a nice Father's Day. Adam BBQ'd some chicken (and did an excellent job), Sheli threw together a Caesar salad, and Beth made a cake (chocolate w/ peanut butter frosting--Paul's favorite). Lots of talk about wedding things. It's getting down to the wire, with just a few weeks left.

I asked my sister, Margaret, if she could come earlier than she was planning to for the wedding to help out. She graciously accepted. There are just a lot of unknowns in the days ahead and her help will be greatly appreciated! It will be nice to have her around, too. Thank you, Margaret!!

Please pray that this will be a wonderfully encouraging week for Ben and Lisa. We may go with them to the Massingill's place on Whidbey next weekend. I hope so--that'd be really nice.

Ben's CT scan is Monday, June 25th. We're hoping for great results, but know that whatever the results are, they are in the hands of the Lord!

I've had a better day with my neck today! Thank You, Lord!

Jenifer

Difficult Times

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Sat, 16 Jun 2007 03:55:00 +0000

Things are difficult right now. I know we're not the first people to have to deal with cancer, but it is the first time we've dealt with cancer. It's hard to see my son suffer. I've actually spent some time thinking about Mary, Jesus' mother, lately. The angel told her that a sword would pierce her heart. I wonder how many times she thought, "Is this the sword?" ("Will it get worse?") God didn't tell Mary everything that would happen and when it would happen. He did tell her it would be hard. I can't imagine how Mary felt to watch her Son hang on a cross. I can't imagine...

I pray that each one of us will learn our lessons well. What an awful thing it would be to go through this and not learn the lessons the Lord has for us. He does discipline us for our good that we may share in His holiness.

I need to go ice my neck. (My son's cancer is, literally, a pain in the neck for me.)

Jenifer

Prayer Request

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 18:09:00 +0000

Could you please pray for our friends Tom & Kristin Carmody? Kristin emailed me this morning that Tom's brother, John, was diagnosed with leukemia a couple of weeks ago, and now is in ICU with double pneumonia. (I think John is around 50) Tom's dad, who has had a history of heart problems, was having chest pain (probably due to the stress over John's health--I understand that one!). I know this family would really appreciate your prayer support.

Thank you!

Jenifer

Quick Update

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 03:31:00 +0000

Lisa took Ben to the ER today. His fever went up. It sounds like the infection in his mouth/throat is pretty bad. The good thing is that he will get more medical attention in the hospital. The hard thing, for me, is that I thought there was a plan of attack to keep Ben from getting so sick this time around, but that never seemed to be put into effect, aside from getting 2 shots a day to boost his white count. I may be wrong--maybe there was no plan.

Thank you for your prayers.

Jenifer

Pain in the Neck

noreply@blogger.com (Jenifer) — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 15:43:00 +0000

I learned this week where the "axis" is in my neck. I'm not sure if that is a chiropractor term or what, but I do know that when it goes out, it really hurts. Evidently, stress can bring this outage on. What? Stress in my life? Maybe just a little.....

Jenifer